The title is from an Okkervil River song I'm absolutely fascinated by, called "Another Radio Song". That line just gives me chills, and it spurred what I wrote.
I'm not a big fan of structure, so it's very loose, and it's a tad bit on the long side, but you know how it is...when you feel done, you finish.
Feedback is appreciated :)
On days like today, I wish I could molt.
Layer by layer, shedding what I don't
wish to see in me anymore.
I'd start off with the cigarette mark
branded on my arm
from that night of neon lights,
parking lots and wet-floor signs,
when I fell hard.
It burns bright like deception,
a glowing flame that wont heat up my heart,
hate can't burn in me.
Bright like your pitch-black eyes,
piercing summer night skies:
days, weeks, months fly,
yet you'll always reside
on the tip of my tongue,
the name I wont say.
temptation, as ever.
I fear what it'd sound like today,
longing in retrospect,
or cold like a strangers.
Then I'd peel back every memory
of the times your hands fell on mine
of the times your eyes fell on mine
weights that pushed down
so hard my knees gave out,
so much it knocked me down.
Deeper still I'd dig,
pull them straight out of my veins,
every single word you'd say,
the promises you'd speak
of love and truth and loyalty...
That day you swore you knew the things I'd do for you.
Like being at your funeral, you doubted she would too.
The days you didn't understand, where I would lend a helping hand,
a loving ear,
I'd shed your tears and fear your fears,
blurring those borders and crossing the lines,
no wasted time,
if it meant making you smile.
I never told you my deepest secret,
never answered when you asked if I'd take the hit.
The answer was yes, I knew what you meant,
when you said you'd do anything,
no favor too big, no question unanswered,
love that feels too big for the body that contains it.
And you were grateful, and the praise weighed so deep into me,
the pressure turned me weak.
Your burdens, your kindness, it dropped me to my feet
and had things not unraveled, that's still where I would be.
Yellowed lights in hotel rooms, the capitol between thick red curtains
sitting on beds, dissecting fate.
Hookah smoke, deserted streets
Slick black cars, midnight on the beach.
18 hours, 9 hours, through hills and states.
My eyes reflecting on your backseat window,
your glances through the rearview mirror.
every song making me think of you,
mile markers bringing inevitable dread.
Boat docks, cab rides, secrets told on sleepless nights.
Finality and danger at every corner,
I always knew I'd pick truth over you.
And when the time came, I did.
I always knew you'd pick her over me.
And when the time came, you did.
I walked into it, with passion for once.
I knew I'd burn, perhaps it's what I wanted.
We walked in golden sunset,
on stone-cobbled streets.
And I told you one day I'd see you on TV
you'd make the primetime news,
and by then I wouldn't know you,
and you agreed.
In my gut, I always knew, and you, you always knew.
I wasn't born a lover.
Without asking you called me fickle,
with agreement you called me sparrow.
I'd flit and fly and one day go away.
You were firmly anchored to guilt, harbored no ambition.
I dwelled in possibility and grew my wings,
forever ready to pack my things.
We dreamt in opposite directions
and met at an intersection.
It was a peace I'd never had before,
a death wish wrapped around a blessing:
being understood, being listened to,
being selfless, being happy
and not needing more than a conversation or a day.
I found the meaning of life on one December 26,
when you smiled and the whole world made sense.
That clarity eludes me now that I l
We were transitory as we should
beauty and tragedy intertwine to build our separate lives,
laced with grey area's called "sins",
I kept that present as long as I could.
Then the ship sank, there never was a shore,
all bets were off from the beginning, I couldn't have expected more.
You live underwater now, begging for air from pity kisses,
courtesy of a greedy mermaid, parasitical, building a kingdom from your bits and pieces.
She's familiar with the darkness no one knows that she carries, just like you, a pair deserving of each other.
A fine balance, consent in abuse.
Witnessing is how you get to understand it.
I floated to the surface, in a panic flailing, you know I'm scared of swimming.
I can't shed skin, lose the water in my lungs,
lift rumors off of unsympathetic tongues,
feel fully for another, repair a reputation come undone.
But I still feel the warmth of the sun,
at a lesser volume but I know it's there.
In the shipwreck I salvaged a gem.
After feeling like a deflated balloon, after fleeing, leaving under a pale white full moon,
knowing I'll never return to palm trees because I'll hear your words whisper in the breeze.
I found it then.
A fragment of truth.
I fear the sailors of my future,
not doing their justice goodness.
I fear the vast ocean, falling in love with it's loneliness,
a mistaken notion of what it is to be "winning".
I fear the blows delivered by judgements swift that don't consider
that I did what I had to,
felt with my heart and spoke with my mouth
nothing is what it seems and ultimately I was true.
But I don't fear living.